To Begin...

I knew relocating to Washington, DC, from New York City would have its drawbacks. Those are far too numerous to list here (perhaps I'll start another blog). Looking back, however, I'm shocked to realize how little thought I gave to the impending dread of the Washington, DC, food scene, if one can even call it a scene. Would I not have moved had the state of DC dining occurred to me? Well, yeah, I probably still would have. My relocation took place for personal reasons, reasons which transcended more prosaic concerns like career, social life, joy of living, ambition and etc. Still, it comes as a shock to the system, this lack of good food. Perhaps I'm spoiled. New York is arguably, after all, the culinary capital of the world (it's either New York or Paris, I suppose). And I'm sensitive, trust me, to this blog not spiraling into a dreaded New York vs. DC comparison, for that is not the point. My point isn't that the DC food scene doesn't measure up to New York's (what does?), but that the DC food scene doesn't measure up to LA's, or Boston's, or Austin's, or Seattle's, or Philadelphia's, or, while we're at it, the small town in southern New Jersey's where I grew up. This is the worst food I've ever had anywhere, hands down. And it's expensive! And nobody seems to care! What gives?

A few rules before we begin our culinary misadventures:

1. I am concerned exclusively with dining inside the Washington, DC, city limits. Whether or not there's good dining in Maryland or Virginia, I could care less (actually, I know that there is; I've enjoyed a few good meals in each). Counting bordering states as evidence that DC has good food is a flimsy, though popular, argument. Does North Jersey have a great food scene because it's possible to drive from there to Manhattan? I'd say no.

2. It's important to take into account the local opinion, where pertinent. If I read one more glowing City Paper review of food I'd consider barely edible, I'm going to shoot myself, or at least stop reading the City Paper. Similarly, we will take into account places that DC folk believe to offer good food, contrary to all available evidence.

3. The full dining experience counts. I have never, in all my life, encountered atrocious, incompetent service like I've seen regularly on display in this city. This problem is pervasive, to the point that medium-level service sticks out like the pearly gates of Heaven. Likewise, poor hours (why is nothing open late?), a slow kitchen (45 minutes to cook a hamburger), inability to handle a normal Saturday night rush (Domku, I'm talking to you), too few servers (Tonic, take note)...all is fair game.

4. OK, this might seem arbitrary, but I'm going to thoroughly ignore the high-end DC dining scene. I've heard from various sources it's quite good, but it's not the kind of thing I'm interested in. Why? Two reasons. First, for the right amount of money, you can get anything, anywhere. In other words, the wealthy live well no matter where they live. Second, however good DC fine dining might be, I'm guessing it still pales dramatically when compared to fine dining in more metropolitan cities. Do I know this for certain? No, I can't afford a $500 meal at Per Se or Masa or wherever else. But I think it stands to reason. Let's just say that for a ton of money, you can no doubt find a decent meal in DC. But so what?

Alright. Let's start eating!